I've found a friend who died for me

im seriously feeling the 3 negative emotions now.. agitation, agony and depressed..

agitation: i dun know why am i feeling so vex recently.. mayb is my academic performance or so.. olso, im getting more sensitive toward more friends.. juz find wad ever they do irritating.. i hate those hypocites around me.. one moment critise abt a certain stuff, n next, they ar doing it.. cant explain the amount of agitation in me now.. it juz make me cant stay focus.. worst of all, i cant let go of them.. how i wish i could go to these people and yell off at them.. somehow, time is wasted in being gd to them.. and oh, i dun love to rant VULGUARITIES at others..

agony: i seriously hate myself for not able to perform well in my academic.. so how it became sort of a desperate attempt now.. prelims is juz abt 3 weeks aways and im now still NOT showing progress.. life is in a mess.. my personal life is screwed up, my relationships wif my parents and friendz are screwed up, studies ar screwed, level of tolerance is screwed.. i cant handle social relationships as gd as before.. where were the happy times i used to enjoy?? nah, they ar gone.. not to cum back..

depressed: feeling badly low.. no word to describe.. has been isolating myselves from ppl.. dun feel happy.. like a trash.. hate wad i am.. ARGGHH.. im losing control over myself..

...hating the veri existence of ur own,
how easy it is if u could just give in into your anger and fear...

my knee is acking like hell now.. it didt get any better over the weekend.. i fear tat tis could be a "long run" prob.. gee.. went for the commando vocational assement.. nothing much special.. did IQ and EQ test, medical check which took 1 min, some physical test and an interview.. quite satisfied wif my performance for tis vocational assement.. did 4 chinups (silver for NAFA), 45 situps and 45 pushups in a minute.. but standing broad jump super paisae.. only 225cm.. my knee juz couldt let me perform.. heard a "CRACK" when i jumped.. never felt gd..

national dae celebration in sch too.. didt noe or attend the college's celebration prob cause was performing.. knee haven recover at tat moment.. so hav to bear wif the pain n cut down moves too simple ones.. turned out not bad on the whole la.. we didt reali practice alot, so can consider acceptable.. hope the college got a better impression of break dance, not going straight to the ground to do all those stuns, but a mix of freezes n dance steps.. last performance liao.. so another committement strikes off..

met caixiang yuansiao n shahrin after celebration.. went for a lunch and had a gd conversation.. did some GP lessons for caixiang.. den they came to my hse to play.. magic cards, ps2 and pc.. all running at once.. still, i tink they enjoyed the naruto game the most.. both caixiang n shahrin were super excited lor.. hmmm.. oh, for yuansiao sake, everyone bought large package of milk to drink.. though mine is soya bean..

err.. we were supposed to leave at 5pm.. den 5.30pm.. den 5.40pm.. and we ar supposed to meet the rest of nootka ogls at 6pm at orchard mrt station lor.. shahrin went home coz got family gathering.. took a cab n pick jieyi up along the way.. reached abt 6.15pm.. marilyn yonghao yvonne were dere.. grace couldt come coz she was sick.. came to a decision to dine at nydc outside heeren.. everyone had a great time, i tink.. christine joined us later.. chatted abt everytink.. from superman to c.p.t to menstratual cramps to asprin.. all digress like hell.. den yonghao suddenly reminded us tat we were late for fireworks.. rushed all the way down to suntec.. den yuansiao went to toilet.. suddenly, "BOOM, BOOM".. the fireworks started.. didt noe if yuansiao got pee on his pants or not but the sudden shock.. ran to the menoir of WW2 to view the fireworks.. doesnt impressed me though.. cos mayb i get to see lots of it in year 2002, where i was part of the NDP choir.. went starbucks but end up at a kofu food court.. left shortly n went home..

i hav to admit tat its hard to organise an outing.. if possible, i wish tat i would not be the one organising it.. so many considerations came into my mine when planning.. where to eat, wad to do, who will come etc.. den when majority is planned, tings juz dun go as planned.. the nite before the event is the most stressed one.. ppl msg to tell u last mins changes and stuff.. rarely ar gd ones.. indeed, i was veri dishearten yesterday nite..

will be limping park for at least the next few days.. hope i get a gd rest from national dae holidays.. dere is a long war waiting for me to fight.. hey, u noe wad??? i seriously tink my love toward u is juz veri shallow afterall.. tink i shouldt tink too much instead n focus more on my piorities..

do u make my like worthwhile?

hi, im back.. hav been some time since i last blog.. many tings happened too..

dance crews went to orchard to perform 2 weeks ago.. tis is the first time i truly get a chance to busk.. well, we juz came out wif a set a new dance to try.. actually, we haven fully master the steps yet.. so i would sae tat we were pretty lucky tat majority went well despite some screwups.. still could remb tat i was trying to learn handstand and was falling many times.. badly injured my back and knees.. could walk properly for abt one week..

went for roller blading with pylos peepz on 23/8 at east coast park.. quite a few turned up.. learn someting: never go blading or cycling on weekend or public holidays.. i didt expect to b tat ex.. still be had lots of fun on the day itself.. tis was the 3rd time i bladed.. picked up the technique pretty quick.. mayb becoz i skate before or juz pure guts..

hi5, chong-hoe adn melvin went to plaza sing to watch movie.. ate at mahattan fish market 1st.. dun tink got any much different from fish n co.. juz tat fish n co got more variety.. the movie we watched was the lakehse.. i hav to admit tat tis is quite a gd show.. veri interesting n a gd twist in the end.. tis movie allows me to learn alot --- to treasure wad u hav n not to take for granted.. went to melvin's clubhsec pub, the legend, for a drink.. drank quite alot.. kinda understimated them.. coz they tasted less ''medicine" from the previous experiences at fish n co.. wahav s abit high tis time.. went home wif chong-hoe.. on the way back, bad traffic caused the bus to jerk regularly.. mayb becoz the alcholic drinks were mixing in my stomach, i suddenly black out but enough to aware wad happening around me.. didt faint so never throw face.. chong-hoe still thought tat he hav to carry me home.. lol.. felt veri bad but managed to recover after 15mins.. reached home n slpt veri well.. Zzzz..

today is another long day..lesson ended early though.. den went for owens tack n field trials.. ironically, i performed better for 100m dash than the long jump.. i always had the mindset tat i excel in long jump coz i didt veri well for standing broad jump.. guess they require different techniques totally.. badly injured my left knee for long jump due to poor landing.. went for national day celebration rehearsal.. couldt do anyting.. only can watch.. sianz.. knee hurts too much.. dunno is it joint prob or so.. tink go see doc tml.. wad i truly fear is tat my knee cant recover in time by next tue to perform.. tat will be damn pity.. going to b the last break dance performance.. so i wan to join in..

tml need to go ns vocational assessment.. sianz.. dun wan to miss lesson.. heard tat is someting to do wif entering commandos.. im not interested in it.. tink gonna act dumb for the IQ test.. organising a nootka gathering wif the ogls on next tue.. hope tat response going to b gd.. dun tink we will get another chance to gather again after prelim.. my regret is tat didt managed to organise one for the whole nootka clan.. haiz..

well, prelims starting in abt 5 more weeks time.. bday during sept holidae.. dun tink can enjoy tis one for tis yr.. gonna b a veri intesive period of my college life.. guess i will juz take one step at a time for now..

you made my life worthwhile...