I've found a friend who died for me

Dad have to work today, so I met up with him early just now to have a breakfast.. As usual, we dun really talk much even though we have not really sat down together for like 2 weeks..

However, we suddenly had this random conversation about my sis.. He was saying that he felt guilty for kinda neglecting my sis when she was young.. Reason being is because that he focused too much on me in the past.. I guess it all started during primary school period?? We were from the same primary school.. Though we are one year apart in term of age, she excelled in almost everything, studies, sports and curriculum.. And when she once ranked 3rd in her year, my dad was very impressed and confident in her that she would do well academically. On the other hand, i was the one always in trouble.. Poor grades, disciplinary problems.. It was probably when i was pri 5 when he engaged a tutor for me to guide me in my studies though it was pretty taxing on the family's financial status during that time..

As expected, i didnt do well n i went to a neighboring sch.. My dad was kinda disappointed.. Thinking that was able to get into Maris Stella Sec at least.. And in my sec school, he continued to spend more time n attention to allow me to do better academically.. But in the process, my sis was neglected.. She started to decline in her grades, and eventually got into a neighboring school like it did.. Guess dad was disappointed but he didnt voiced out to us..

As im always a yr ahead of my sis, more time n attention is always spent on me by the tutor.. Sec 2 streaming and o' lvl.. whereas my sis is always following after me.. Guess this kinda extinguish her interest in studies cause my dad will often compare our grades and achievements, which i kinda dislike cause we are pretty different by nature.. When i got into JC, dad was very happy.. Cause im the 1st in the family to enter jc (which eventually will move on to uni) This kinda further impose a greater pressure on my withdrawn sis. She eventually spoke less at home, esp to my dad.. Her temper flew very quickly whenever she talked to him..

I can never forget the moment where she approached me during the period near her O lvl.. She came to me crying, saying how much pressure she was under to perform for this major exam.. Dad was constantly pressuring her to follow my footstep: get into a jc n eventually uni.. She knew that she hate this kinda of lifestyle and was very fearful of my dad.. All i could do was to say a few simple words of encouragement and offered her as my help for her upcoming exams within a limited time.. Never have i seen such a fragile side of her before.. The butt kicking, super wrestling sis was actually crying n breaking down in front of me.. Guess everyone has a weak side they choose to hide.. I met up with my brothers on the following fellowship session.. I broke down too when i shared abt this.. I was so focused on my personal life that i neglected the only sibling i had.. I too felt guilty and ashamed for not being there for her when she was at her lowest..

In the end, she got into poly, n me into uni after that.. She met lloyd.. I was glad she affected her positively in a way i failed to do so.. She became very focused, and surprised us with her intention to further her studies after poly.. Maybe love is a very powerful tool in driving us forward.. Still, relationship between dad n her didnt really get better.. With her coming home later n dressing up more, which my dad was quite unhappy abt it initially, arguments became more frequent..

But somehow, she has kinda settled down lately..Ever since she entered uni, she is very focus, in term of both academically and relationship it lloyd.. as in, she managed to balance very well.. In fact that she rank 2nd in her prevent sem proved that she was capable all along.. Just that we didnt give her sufficient space for growth.. N i believe that is what my dad felt guilty abt..

Life maybe full of regrets and sorrows.. But we can resolve them in a very peaceful manner if we choose to handle it positively.. I seriously hoped that my dad would not be affected by this whole past as my sis would not be what she is now.. The friends she had, lloyd, sch, everything.. It was all in a package.. What happen has happened.. I hope God can release dad from this shackle..

I too have thought abt what happened recently... Last month was one of my irrational phase of my life.. Never have i been so uncool, insensitive, emotional and hasty in my decisions and actions.. It was not my usual self of handling things and problems.. Every judgment i made was rash and one sided.. Guess i was too delusional for my own good that time.. got carried away by my emotions where i have never been so open before.. Of cause this whole sage actually taught and reminded me alot of learning point.. Being the 1st time ever to take initiative to ask a gal out, it totally feels very diff as compared to be asked out.. It is really easier to be loved than love.. Cause, sometime no matter how much strong feelings u have for the other party, as long she in not interested due to various reasons, the whole thing will be just a one side chase.. In love, things should not be forced and be allowed to take place naturally.. Like what khai said, it should be an accidental, effortless and not painful.. Its only scary when u look back after u fallen to see how far u had fall.. I went on to the point of trying too hard, to the extent that she felt uncomfortable and threatened.. She might not say it, but i can feel it.. Looking back, i looked so dumb and stupid.. like a wild goose chase.. Its no wonder any gal will feel insecure if u are with such a guy, let alone her when she needs ever more of such assurance.. How could she even feel safe if we get together.. Guessed this rejection kinda become a wakeup call to me as well as a reminder to be close to God again.. during this period, i really distanced myself from God..

So im goona just let it be, be my usual self, n not try so hard.. what comes will eventually come.. no point rushing.. If she doesnt want to accept me, there is no way to reach her despite doing so much.. This past 2 weeks i had calmed down alot.. my thoughts and rationale start coming back to me.. This is really a one big learning point in life..

Learn, glance and move on..

Math over!! Thank God for that ((: Skipped like 5 qns in a row before managing to the the 1st qn.. UBER PANICKY.. But lucky things got better on second attempt.. Was singing in the exam hall to keep upself up n motivated.. Hopefully, i did well for this paper since i spent LOTS of time mugging.. Problem is, i have very limited time for the rest!!

God kinda answered to me through quiet time yesterday regarding on my previous post.. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.. We might be wasting on the outside, but within us, we are being renewed everyday.. The reason why we are going through so much troubles now is to prepare us for eternal glory.. Yes, eternal n not something temporary.. "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Yes, why get bounded by the world where is brings nothing but pain n sorrow.. Must learn to distinguish btw permanent and what is passing away..

We must not lose heart.. "We can partner with our pain and go on serving, praying, loving, caring to the end of our days. We can know strength of character despite our frail humanity; we can show patient endurance and love for others in the midst of our discomfort.Despite our momentary troubles, we can press on, for we have glimpsed the glory that far outweighs them all." Well said.. Do not lose heart..

As for today QT, it again answered another question of mine.. 2 Chron 18:28-19:3.. Rather random verse for someone who might be following the QT material, but it applied alot for me for this occasion. Its a reminder to me to chose the righteous path and not follow blindly with the world.. Though it is good to join hands with the righteous, helping others u meet on ur path, if u make an alliance with evil, it will incur God's displeasure and wrath.. It kinda bring me to think abt a conversation regarding on lady gaga.. rumors said that she is doing so successfully now is due to the fact that she sold her sold to the devil.. Her songs are so catchy yet dark.. It somehow manage to capture the mainstream.. Esp those who are troubled, like me for e.g when i was feeling month one month ago.. As if the song is like calling to me to seek comfort through it.. Den i start drowning myself in her music.. gosh.. Though she might be commercially successful now, walking with the devil is a path towards doom itself.. And the Lord shall not take this lightly.. Whether she really did or many other successful stars n ppl in the society dons so too, we wun know.. All we know is that the Hand of God, judgment, will come down hard when the end comes..

More mug mug time.. Phy and computing next.. ZZZzzz... Getting out of shape too.. Gosh.. All the static trg are insufficient.. Gonna be another week of "no home"

Right and wrong can never be partners. Thank Lord for Your Words..

Paper in one hour time.. Confident yet fearful.. The next 2.5 hr will be mind over body.. Constantly get stress n blank out in examination.. Hopefully, this coming n following papers are exceptions..

Argh.. God, Past Year Papers and Banana Nut Crunch, please bless n save me..

Houki Boshi(Comet)

Link To Music Video

Looking up at the night sky alone, I saw a comet
Though it appeared and vanished in a second
When I think of you, my chest begins to hurt
I want to see you right now, but I can't fly through the sky

If perchance I could have become a comet
I would go flying through the sky
No matter what kind of tomorrow comes, this thought is strong
So my comet is unbreakable

As I was complaining about how hateful the rain was
Even now I still remember what you said
How, after the rain, the night sky is beautifully filled with stars
Thinking of that, I could even come to like the rain

If perchance I could have become a comet
I would always spill my overflowing light
As you look at the night sky when you're sad
I want to sparkle more so that you will smile

You are always fighting something by yourself
Being by your side is all I can do

If perchance I could have become a comet
I would go flying thorugh the sky, surely
I would definitely reach you, with this single moment of light
Lighting up your present and passing through the sky
If I could have become a comet
I would surely stay by your side, at any time

This song has such a cheerful melody, yet with such sad meaning behind it.. Are you the same too??? Appearing cheerful on the outside, yet sad n lonely inside??

Somehow, I felt it.. I hope I'm wrong

Finally completed the past yr papers for math.. Helped alot in the understanding of the topic.. Thought i would struggle with this since i didnt get to practice much.. Confidence level up by one.. 2 more days to start of exam.. If im able to keep up with my pace, maybe i will be able to pull it off somehow.. just that i still need more time for practices..

Room and table are in a mess.. I lost track of time.. It's just paper after paper.. The sun goes up and down.. If i were this consistent with my work for the whole sem, maybe i wun be in such a tight spot..

It can get kinda lonely at night.. When gr is always not in room and out studying with shiling.. It's just me and tons of books and papers piled up before me.. Sometimes, it could even be depressing too.. I just lock myself in the room for whole day and sat by the study table.. The mind too will occasionally drift off to unpleasant and unhappy thoughts..

What is love?? What is the difference btw friends, btw a mother and a child, btw siblings, btw a man and a woman, or even btw man and God? What is true love?? What is love at 1st sight?? Of cause, there is no love greater than God.. But, it can get pretty confusing in the midst of everyday life.. What is right and what is wrong??? What is absolute? They are just so puzzling.. What is trust and who to trust?? Those that u think u can totally surrender and entrust end up up disappointing the most.. To listen or to patronize? Which is which?? To be there or not?? When your presence or comments does even make a difference.. I hate it when i have to preach abt something that i myself dun even believe or do.. It is so frustrating to be a person who ponders and think so much where nothing can be done.. Why do i get myself so upset thinking about it when its all over? or it didnt even begin in the 1st place.. It just gets depressing to think abt it.. Nothing is eternal in this world.. What do i believe and uphold?? Lord, grant me strength..

Let me tide over this darkness so that I could go somewhere far away.. somewhere the mind can find true peace and tranquility.. somewhere your pasts and bondage are unable to catch up with you..

Arghh.. I need more optimism.. If I could just buy that

Yes, isolation.. It is only the best and most effective way..

Down (Jay Sean)

Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, down,
Even if the sky is falling down,
Down, down
Ooh (ohhh)

You oughta know, tonight is the night to let it go,
Put on a show, i wanna see how you lose control,

So leave it behind ’cause we, have a night to get away,
So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape.

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down,

Just let it be, come on and bring your body next to me,
I’ll take you away, hey, turn this place into our private getaway,

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down,

Even if the sky is falling down like she supposed to be,
She gets down low for me,
Down like her temperature, ’cause to me she zero degree,
She cold, overfreeze,
I got that girl from overseas,
Now she my miss America,
now can i be her soldier please,
I’m fighting for this girl,
On the battlefield of love,
Don’t it look like baby cupid sending arrows from above,
Don’t you ever leave the side of me,
Indefinitely, not probably,
and honestly im down like the economy,
Yeahhhhhh

So leave it behind ’cause we, have a night to get away,
So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape,

(So why don’t we run away)

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down

I miss those Genersis times, where u dance dance and dance.. When nothing worries, just simply let go and go all out..

Revised math and phy today.. Felt better and more confident slightly.. And u know wad, I'm enjoying mugging 1st time in weeks.. Momentum rolling in.. Suddenly got this strange obsession to understand whatever I missed out and lagged during IH period.. Prob only is, do I have sufficient time to catch up in time??

Cant wait for 5th May to come so that can club club club.. Woots.. Never have i felt such impulse to do so.. gonna drink myself high n party..

So looking forward to the coming carefree days where i just lie on the field and look up into the sky whole day long..

We often fear rejections by others.. We face rejections everyday, studies, work, friends, family, love.. Different ppl have different ways of dealing with it.. Some choose to cry, some choose to whine, some choose to become stronger and move on.. Today sermon was regarding of this topic.. Strangely, God seemed to prepare it for me, as though He was trying to tell me something..

The sermon was regarding on a few verses. Luke 9:51-56.. It's about Jesus's decision to make His journey to Jerusalem as He knew His time is close. It took great courage for Jesus to come to this decision as it was mentioned that He "resolutely set out to Jerusalem".. Could this means that Christ was actually feeling fear when making this decision that He needed to resolve Himself?? Probably, but Christ knew His purpose here..

He sent messengers to prepare the path for Him.. We can ask ourself are we willing to be messengers of God and lay out the path for Him.. Have we prepared enough to receive the Christ?? The Samaritans didnt.. In fact, they chose to reject Christ.. Will we ever be in a situation where the Lord gave us opportunities to be involved in His ministries and works , yet we choose to turn down??

When the disciples realised that the Samaritans turned Jesus away, they were furious, esp James and John.. They were so mad that they wanted to curse and destroy the Samaritans.. However God rebuked them, knowing that He would be rejected them.. He mentioned that "The Son of Man is not here to destroy life, but to save them instead" (Can only be found in the mandarin version of the Bible) The Lord wants us sinners to be saved and not the righteous to fall. The Lord did not probe on the part being rejected and move on quickly to the next village, knowing that many more needed to be save.. I guess one reminder is to be proactive.. Once you miss the opportunity, it will be gone for good..

Be objective and not dwell in self-pity.. I'm a firm believer of the later one.. Indulging is self-pity gets us no where.. The Lord was too rejected by many, and He chose to move on.. We should learn to change out attitude and mindset when facing rejection and failure..

Just like a bottle of clear water and gassy drink.. We need a clear mind like the bottle of water, where our emotion is not affected by the surrounding.. Whereas for the gassy drink, when u shake it, pressure gets build up inside.. Eventually, all these pressure (emotions) will explode when released.. We have the choice of choosing which one do we want to be.. Guess I got alot to learn when it comes to handling my emotions..

Be positive, staying angry could not solve anything.. The Lord says that its okay to be angry.. Everyone do feel anger.. However, we must not sin due to this anger.. 3 golden rules are: 1) Not to hurt urself 2) Not to hurt the others 3) Not to hurt properties.. Im kinda puzzled by the 3rd one though.. Relax, rethink and redirect.. Running help to keep the mind cool.. If one realised that he or she is often prone to anger, it might mean that he or she has fallen into Satan's trap to ensnare us in sin.. Instead, we should channel the energy to focus on God's work..

There isnt sunday school today.. so the class went to AMK mac to celebrate shelen bday in advance since both Pastor J and her are going to Australia for holiday for 2 weeks.. a pretty last min but a rather pleasant gathering.. Charmaine was back in sg for this week too.. so i guess this was a gd session for the class..

Our sunday class grp attendance has been rather inconsistent lately.. Edmund and meijing regularly attend the 2nd service.. Dingxin flying off to aus soon to study.. Samuel just returned from taiwan.. Qiwei and xiaowei busy with the children ministry.. meiqi off to japan.. everyone is all over the place.. guess the older we get, the less we get to see each other together.. However, whenever a brother or sister is in trouble or difficulty, we all never fail to be there for one another.. Thx u guys for the concern.. I know u ppl have been discussing and finding ways to help me recover from my recent emotion stumble..

With dingxin flying off to aus to study, this means that he might not be able to join us to be william's brothers for his wedding.. I wonder who will replace him since meijing and william intention is for us to walk down the church aisle with a sister paired each.. I'm seriously looking forward to their wedding as i see God's grace and guidance in their relationship.. Despite so many problems and william being at Cambodia serving the Lord, the God still provides them plentiful.. It going to be a very cranky n fun wedding! Heard about our attire for that day already.. lol..

Yesterday was amanda's 21st birthday.. had it a NLB.. a small yet pretty venue.. The 6 of us, me, gr, max, boon, khai n fabian prepared a short dance within a day for her.. I'm glad she liked it and we all had fun too in the process.. Its a pity that ahboon is leaving us soon.. I wonder how would the fate of genersis be without him..

God gave us happiness, we too are give the choice of accept it or not.. Take it or not, life is still going to go on as per normal.. Since tat's the case, y not pursue the obvious instead??

God help those who help themselves..

I'm so stressed up... I cant't believe that I forgotten how to do simple integration while trying the papers, worst than a jc student now.. Mind in a blank state now.. I seriously fear I cant do well for this semester..

What can be more worse when you are going to fall sick too?

Why am I in this state?

Argh.. I really need all the prayers I can gather now..

If I have the wisdom of Solomon,I could solve all the daunting questions You thrown at me..

If I have the confidence of Caleb and Joshua, I could stand firm by Your side in the face of pressure where others would have fallen..

If I have the faith of Abraham, I could serve faithfully and wait for eternal, yet sacrifice without any hesitation for Your sake..

If I have the voice of David, I could sing of His praises to You from dusk to dawn, even at the darkest moment..

If I have the strength of Samson, no chains can ever hold me back from finding You if You ever got lost..

If I have the experiences of Paul, I could travel to all ends of the world to spread of His wonders in Your life..

If I have remorseful heart of Peter, I could become stronger for your sake when I failed to do so moments ago..

If I have the determination of Noah, I could allow You to remain safe when all other havens are lost..

If I have the courage of Daniel, no beast can prevent me from denying You..

If I have the leadership of Moses, I could move a nation over seas and mountains for You..

If I have the persistent heart of Zacchaeus, I could scale the tallest obstacle just to see You..

If I have the foresight of Joseph, I could dream about suns and stars and yet still be in abundant just to share them with You..

If I have the obedience of Ruth, I could still show You God's grace despite searching in an empty field..

If I have the optimism of Job, I could still smile in Your presence when all hopes seemed to have diminish..

If I have the mind of the Christ, I could understand,reach out and heal broken hearts and souls, like Yours..

If I am what they were, I could alleviate all your troubles and sorrows so that you will be able to sleep peacefully every night and again show your smile the next day..

Our worth, values are built upon others.. We seek recognition from ppl around us.. Confidence, courage, strength, determination.. They all come from God and encouragements from others.. If you choose to believe u are worthless, then we, ppl who built, discover and find our worth from You, are equally worthless too..

But, I'm just a sinner with nothing.. I can dream and expect great stuff all day and do nothing.. Nothing is going to change.. However, God entrusted us with choices in life.. The parables of Minas and talents (Matthew 25:14-30 and Luke 19:12-27). God entrusted us will great abilities, talents and character.. Yet, still gave us the choice to choose how to use them.. I choose to believe that God will develop these characters into me through Him to overcome trials and obstacles in life, along with the Fruits of the Spirit.. What about you? Do you?

I live because I believe..

If I...

I cant believe it.. Im singing to myself to keep myself occupied and focused on my mugging..

~You got the whole world, in your hands... lalala..~

Praise the Lord!! Apparently something amazing happened yesterday.. I thank you Lord for removing a huge burden off my shoulder at this point of "darkness"..

It all began from yesterday morning.. In the midst of mugging, i suddenly received a sms from her.. It was so random as she seldom take the initiative to contact me 1st.. But what actually surprised me was the content.. She wanted to meet up with me to talk about her feelings regarding on this issue.. At first I was apprehensive.. Why God suddenly send her back to talk abt this issue when I already choose to entrust to Him? Is there no end to this whole thing? During that moment, half of me wanted to find out what she has to say, the other half just wanted to run away, fearing that I will fall back into the hole that I recently covered up myself..

It took me some time and prayer to think and muster the courage to agree to meet up with her.. Despite handing the issue over to God, my feelings for her still persist and stay, just that it's "under control". Knowing the agenda of the meeting does not really help or make it better since it would end up with "lets stay as friends" ending. I asked paul for advice and he said that i should just go and listen.. Even though she could not reciprocate my feelings for her, shouldnt I at least try to understand how she felt? After all, its not easy for her to send such a message in the first place. Must have taken alot of courage and thoughts to do so.. Knowing that the fate is sealed and outcome eventually, I went ahead with the meeting with this small little hope that something else might have.. Always a room for miracle..

When I finally got to meet her, the whole atmosphere was very weird.. It got this "I'm here to hang myself again" feeling.. And probably cause we didnt meet up since her baptism, this whole "absence makes the heart grows fonder" shit came in again.. But oh well, that isn't the point.. We settled in this coffeeshop.. It was pretty weird at 1st, cause I thought that it might be too noisy to talk.. Conversation was very slow initially.. She was having difficultly starting and putting her thoughts into words.. Got the constipation feeling there. And when she asked me if i had any questions, I dunno what to ask her.. Yes, I have alot in mind to ask her about this whole thing. But hearing her side of reasoning, I felt kinda shameful that I came with a mindset hoping for something else.. All my intended qns for her were redundant and immature. It was at that moment tat I realised I still haven totally let go to Lord.. I was caught speechless for a moment.. A quick prayer to God for wisdom at that instant, to reorganise my thoughts and get things right.. Thank the Lord cause He did, if not the whole night would be dreadful..

The more she shares, the more fluent she becomes.. God was guiding her to express her thoughts clearly.. Our conversation became more natural and smooth.. Starting to feel more like a 2 way proper conversation.. Her reason for staying single is because she wants to get her walk with God right.. It might be a very simple answer or reason to others, maybe illogical to non-Christians since they might think its okay as long the person likes u.. I have to admit, even i myself find it hard to explain her stand even though i understood what she is trying to get to.. Its so hard to put it into words.. haha, should have seen her reaction when i finally understood wad she is trying to tell me! Its not easy.. But behind this simple answer, it carries alot of careful thoughts and meanings.. Based on what I understood, a relationship isn't complete if God is not present.. Everything originates from Him.. Kinship and friendship etc.. If you cant get ur relationship right with God now, what makes you thing that everything else will be okay..

I'm not sure if this is right or accurate, but a poor relationship with God is like the epicenter of an earthquake.. It causes the ground to shake, having a ripple effect on those around it.. And this effects are usually unhealthy.. The harder it shakes, the more drastic is the after effect. During the phase of clearing up after that would seem to be like the trials of God, where we learn to pick up ourself and to prepare and equip ourself from future trembles.. That's where strengthen our foundation with God to be strong and firm, and when we do, all others, our relationships with ppl, career, studies, health etc, stay firm along with the foundation.. Without building this strong rapport with God, no matter how much u try to build, how high u try to reach, in the crisis where another earthquake or ur faith with God is shaken, everything would just crumble under the pressure

Likewise for her, she chooses to get her walk with God right.. I have to admit that a part of me was disappointed that we could not get together.. But if she is really the one that i have been praying for, to be a God-centered woman, then yes Lord, her action is what that pleases you and would bring a step further into preparing her to be the woman i have asking and praying for.. I should not rush and take things into my own hand since I had already entrusted to the Lord! In addition, both of us got much more pressing issues on hands to handle than to be in a relationship.. Her side: her walk with God, YAM, possible ministry in Church, her sis, her work report.. There are times where we wondered y we are grow spiritually and reached to a saturation point.. In a relationship, one cant always be the receiving or the giving side. Likewise, we have to give too in order to grow spiritually.. The Words of God will be unless if they are not carried out.. Serving the Lord is one of such way we can learn to give and appreciate why Christ has devoted His whole life to serving and giving.. Her ministry in young adults has just began.. Same goes for her new life and walk with God.. The problem with her sis is more pressing.. Its not easy to teach someone how to love when she cant love herself in the 1st place.. It requires alot love, patience and reliance on God to do so.. Without the Lord, I believe most might give up easily.. Christ didnt.. He didt not give up on us and simply hands us over to Satan..

As for my side: My return to service under God, my studies, my dad's health.. I too need to get my walk with God right.. I realised I can be pretty inconsistent in my walk with God.. I guess her decision was a reminder for me too to focus on God and not on all worldly issues.. Y focus on pursuing the world when He could have offered much more in return? Oh oh, my studies.. Shucks.. I'm getting abit pessimistic abt this coming exam.. I'm totally not ready and cramming as much as possible now, be it effective or not.. I study hard but not exam smart.. Always panic n screw up in papers.. but with yesterday meeting, i guess i got one less thing on mind to think abt.. And i guess the most pressing for me now is my dad's health condition.. Though i may not be at home most of the times, i do aware that his condition is getting worse.. The depression, i assumed, in his hand is getting more n more obvious.. Im not sure is it because his muscles are weakening, but it can get difficult watching him struggle with simple daily chores like carrying loads and eating.. Plus with all the other illnesses that he has, i sometime do seriously wonder when will he be able to hold on to.. I hoped that he will retire soon n have his well deserved rest, travel the world and not work so hard for the family.. For now, the least i could do is to spend more time and pray for his health.. His MRI scan coming up soon.. maybe i should accompany him for checkup.. Same goes for my knee.. Mindef has actually contacted me to take my IPPT before my birthday.. problem is i dun even know if i could take it or not.. X-ray doesnt shows anything.. yet it is still not healing.. It can get pretty frustrating that a simple thing like running after a bus can be difficult n painful.. My parents actually asked me to consider down pes.. However to let go all that i have worked hard for during my army days, those blood and sweats bled, the friends that fought along ur side, the red beret and sliver wing that i donned on, the pride instilled into us, must be cast aside, all because of a single busted knee.. Being in a commando is one of my greatest achievement in my life and i think it will be hard to let it go like tat.. Same goes for IH, im going to be just an unless sportsman who hops around after running a short while.. Oh well, I'm gonna entrust all of them to the Lord, maybe He already has a plan for me in place..

With so much happening on both of us now, probably a relationship now will just distract us from the more important issues that need to be handled.. Yes yes, others might say that u need not compromise ur relationship with God in order to be together. And being together, u have a partner to support one another in times of spiritual difficulty.. I agree to a certain extent cause i see both william and meijing as a fine example for this.. However, though singlehood is not exactly a gift from God, it is one of the best moment to channel your energy into serving the Lord and His causes.. For me, if i were to find a partner, i meant a life long partner..Getting into a relationship should be a long n God centered one, one that involves life time commitments and responsibilities. Marriage, a sacred bond btw man and woman, and not simply a fling or fooling around. With such an aim, the amount of time we truly know each other is way too short n hasty.. I believe she thinks like wise too. Along with her decision to be single n remain as friends so as to serve God, I think that this a very Godly decision made which I should truly respect.. After all, I too have my responsibilities to fulfill and complete now..

(A life time commitment.. mj and william,sis and lloyd, both of u are really my role model for a perfect dating couple.. same for paster j n shelen as husband and wife)

God has given me so much in my lifetime till now.. So many that there's just too many to count.. With all the friends and family support we received, why did I say that im always alone?? So why should I get overly troubled like i did for the past month for this issue when God has repeatedly shown countless grace much more i could receive in the past?

The night ended pretty pleasant, with much laughter and sharing in btw.. She said grace while having a popiah in her mouth, this old man who ate exactly the same food as we did, craving for bubble tea, siting in subway while drinking bubble tea when we didnt even order anything, window shopping in NTUC.. Gosh, plain crazy, fun n retarded.. I wun know when will we ever talk abt this issue again, or maybe never in future.. It might take some time before the feeling sink in.. But whatever the case, since we are so clear what we need to do, we should focus on them 1st and entrust this to the Lord.. If we are really meant to be, we will.. If not, God will then offer us a better partner that we can never imagine.. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.(Matthew 6:33) No matter what, we are brother and sister in Christ before anything (: And of cause, the wonderful classmate that we always been.. Do continue to share abt ur problems if u have, for i will always be there for you..

Its so funny that my pastor considered sharing my story with mediacorp on a program regarding youth relationship.. Bet it makes a good drama, with lots of plots and twists in btw.. Though it might not have the type of ending that everyone typically likes, I believe all we need is the Lord to be pleased will do.. I cant exactly explain the peace in my mind now.. despite her saying no, there no burden or heavy emotions to pull me down.. Maybe God is at work? Oh well, i didnt manage to maintain my clean sheet though ): haha, my first rejection after like 21 yrs? Suck it up zhaoqi!

Same thing though, my feelings for you are still the same.. It wun suddenly changed because of your decision.. I told u and i hope u understood.. While entrusting to God, initiative still needs to be taken to pursue what u want.. Its only a matter of if what u want tallies with what God wants to give u.. I might still do things to win ur heart over.. But the choice to reciprocate is yours to decide.. We wun know God's plan, but we know He only offers us the best.. Of course, when eventually everything ends n settle down, i do hope u will reconsider me again.. Time will tell.. Will i still stay on waiting or move on, no one knows.. All i can say this that, this whole sage is a one big trial for me and through it, God strengthen me.. And with this, I can finally close this whole dramatic chapter of my life and the "darkness" that i thought i been through..

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want..

Loneliness is being unaware of the One who is with us everywhere..

God love and bless both u and me..

Smile, cause your smiles bring joy and laughter to those around you.

In Jesus's name I pray, Amen..

Yesterday was an rather unproductive and slow day.. I can't believe Im slowing down when there is still so much to catch up at this point of time.. Mind keeps drifting off and losing focus..

Exactly one week more to D-day.. 22nd Math 2, 26th Phy 2, 27th Media in the Modern World, 28th Computing & Marketing, 4th May Chemistry.. I only got myself to blame for cramming everything together.. Regretted not taking Japanese.. Oh well, no point thinking about it now.. On a positive side, exam will end in abt 3 weeks plus time..

I decided to chiong hall for the next 3 weeks.. Other than fellowships and Sunday services, its gonna be mindless mugging in hall, in my prison cell..

There is so much recent twist of events again.. There is nothing much can be done than to sign and move on.. Strangely, I'm not getting affected by these as much as I were for last week.. Maybe it's the blessing of God for entrusting everything to Him.. But still, there are occasions where the mind just wanders off and ponders abt this whole thing again..

Had a chat with her two nights ago.. Sharing what's on her mind.. Guess she worries and care alot for the ppl around her.. Honestly speaking, I'm glad to be able to hear her voice.. But what I could do is to listen to her and keep telling her to entrust everything to God.. There at instants I'm wanted to share more, but no more personal opinions/ emotions to sway her feelings and thoughts.. Sometimes, we just need a listener only to share our thoughts and mind.. I'm glad I handled this well.. Root of wisdom and peace comes from God and His Words..

Right now, my focus : Mug

Oh man, dreamed abt her.. Oh well..

Started the day with a dreadful mood.. Mind can't focus.. It's hard to resist thinking abt her when u are alone.. Is my resolve towards Lord and her that weak?? I seriously need a good prayer..

There is so much think I want to know and ask her cause there are so much many questions left unanswered.. But how am I suppose to ask while taking her feelings into regards?

Strengthen me O Lord and bless her day.. Let me be at ease..

Steel never taste better..

Lessons from yesterday bible study and today sunday school mentioned abt staying optimistic.. Life is full of obstacles which prevent us from serving Lord and His Will..

Dream, Announce, Promise and Action.. These are the steps to overcome obstacles faced in life.. However, most of us usually stop at the most crucial step: Action.. Without action, nothing is done.. Even if u have the best dreams, made the most convincing promise ever, but without action, all is futile.. If there is a will, there is a way.. The Lord will provide for He is the provider..

One example is the bind man Bartimaeus from Jericho.. (Mark 10: 46-52)He faced alot of odds: being blind, public pressure etc.. Despite all these, he remained optimistic and held on the faith that the Lord will heal him.. Eventually, the he was healed by the Lord due to his faith.. We should be like him.. Have a persistent heart and courage to reach out to the Lord.. Will we be able to do the same, like Bartimaeus to shout out even more to the Lord when the others asked him to remain quiet.. Will we succumb to pressure around us?

God's grace is sufficient for us all.. The Lord is always there for us.. Its only a matter of reaching out to Him.. Sometimes, a simple "save me", like what Peter called when he was sinking into the sea, will do.. We are so blinded by whats around us to even notice that Jesus is always just by our side for us.. Bible mentioned many examples that servants of Lord are prone to falling and weaknesses. David, a man after God, has alot of fear and pride in him during his reign as king of Isreal despite the fact that God had blessed n reassured him many times again n again.. Peter, full of confidence that he would not leave Jesus under all circumstances, denied Jesus thrice before the rooster crowed.. Yet, the Lord still forgives them and blesses them many many times over.. The difference btw David, Peter vs Judas is the heart to repent..

Had a worship leader meeting today too.. The takeaway from this session is one of Pastor J fav quote: With great power comes great responsibilities.. A similar verse could be found in the Bible (Luke 12:48) Lord gave us the abilities and talents to serve.. If we do not treasure them well n let them go to waste, He will take them away from us (Parable of the talents) God is concern about the hearts of those who serves Him and not with how much we can serve.. Being pleasing to God. One impt thing emphasized is not to serve when ur heart is not ready.. The Lord does not lack ppl serving Him.. Rebuild the relationship with God before serving Him again..

Had another session with Pastor J and Shelen today.. Consulted them abt my concerns abt her.. It has been a tough time during the past 2 weeks where we decided to cut down communication and contact.. I dunno whats her plan, feeling during this period.. It must be very hard on her too with so much on her mind.. Pastor J then shared with me abt the Ireland's boys.. Hat is a very important form of dressing in their culture.. And u usually dun see them without it.. So whenever they need to climb over a wall or barrier, they would throw their hats over and find all means to get over it.. Likewise, we should throw over hearts, worries over the wall and to the Lord.. only through this way, den we will be able to scale the obstacle and reach to the Lord.. They initially suggested that both of us to take this relationship survey to help us determined are we ready for a relationship which is pleasing to God.. but i turned down because i know our case is a one sided pursuit.. at times, i dunno what is she thinking.. but, i do know that she is chained down by her past, which is hard to let go.. I do love her deeply.. but this obsession has become an obstacle btw me and God.. so, im not gonna think abt it anymore.. Im going to just throw everything over to Lord so that i could be with Him.. Only when u entrust with Him, den u will be blessed many times over.. Maybe she is the one, maybe she is not.. But no matter what, i have absolute faith in the Lord in finding the girl of my heart desires who is pleasing to the Lord..

Something when i see couples around me, i do get envy of them.. Love is the gift that God gave us to share and received.. My sis and her bf, gare rern n shiling, william and meijing, jason n shelen, mum and dad..However, this gift is only perfect provided both are the willing parties of receiving and giving.. of cause, there are problems too when in a relationships.. but true love overcomes them all.. they are just trials from God to strengthen and pull them close to one another and God.. Singleness is too a trial from God.. I read it from Holding Hand, Holding Heart.. Most of us misunderstood that being single is a gift.. But no, God created us to be together, man n woman..

I know you are in great pain and you choose not to share because u have ur reason.. I thought that we would be a perfect couple together because we see things on the same tone, God-fearing and be able to confide and assure each other. I envisioned that we could be a wonderful pair because everyone who knows about this think so too.. Because i love u, care for u, im not going to be a burden to u any longer.. U have ur rights and i respect them.. we will stay as the awesome friends that we used to be before all this started.. I will still sms u messages of concern.. I will still be always a phone call away if u ever need someone to share ur worries or concern.. I will protect you from all the harms that come in your way.. I'm disappointed that things are going this way but not sad of my decision because i know that it will lower ur burdens and worries.. I hope my decision will make u a happier person.. I dread the idea of u tearing because of u being unable to be in a position to control anything due to the pasts and presents u cant let go.. I wish only the best for you.. This 2 weeks have made me realised my love for u is deeper that what i thought.. However, if the the time is not right, it will still be the same.. Of cause, i will still be waiting for ur answer and pray as usual, I wun give up.. But i'm not goona do anything to put u in a tough spot anymore.. I will set aside my deep feelings for u to the Lord so that it will at least help u be a happier person by a little. Ppl say that I'm dumb to let it go after trying so hard, but the think is I'm not even giving up, just that I'm totally entrusting to the Lord.. I'm much stronger that u think I am.. 21 years of hardship plus God made me strong.. Eventually, I might/might not move on.. But pls, if u ever realise ur feeling someday, pls let me know.. Maybe a simple sms or any form of hint will do.. i know u are not the kind who know how to express urself well and will find this hard.. But who knows I might still be waiting for u and harboring the fragile hope that day??

Because I love u too much, that's why I choose to let you go and set you free.. I dun give a damn about what the other say.. I could only entrust you to the Lord, who loves you even more than I do..

No one but God only knows.. It's all in His plan

Sore Ga, Ai Deshou (I Guess That's Love)

Link to song

Even if there are days when the tears roll down my cheeks
I want to have your back all for myself, but

because kindness is also cruel sometimes
I lose sight of the answer the more I search for it

If you can see the rainbow in the town after the rain
let's start walking now, something is about to begin

Because I have you, because I have tomorrow
because I can't live on all alone
I feel you so close by me, I guess that's love
Because you know how much pain tears can bring
I want to find a smile in your transparent eyes
as I search for a definite meaning in them

Although it'd be good if these feelings found their way into your heart
without me needing to speak a word,

The colour of the town changes little by little but
see, our memories have again increased by one

Because now I can embrace every word that you said
I'm sure that we'll come closer to each other
I guess that's love
Even if a tomorrow that nobody knows is waiting for us
it's all right, don't cry anymore
we'll join hands
and keep walking on forever

It isn't something that builds up in an instant
but a feeling that grows a little at a time,
the feeling called love

Because I have you, because I have tomorrow
because I can't live on all alone
I feel you so close by me, I guess that's love
Because you know how much pain tears can bring
I want to find a smile in your transparent eyes
as I search for a definite meaning in them

That's Love, Isn't It??

13 more days to the start of exam... a semester in university is way too short.. rushing n loading so much within such a short time.. Is that even the right way to learning?? It has become routine n meaningless..

OMG.. The whole family knew abt her.. Zzzz.. Was damn surprised when dad came into room just now to talk to me abt this.. Being a lasting couple is not abt looks.. This is only short temporary.. Haha, look at both of my parents now (oops).. even though my dad is very strict, he does do things that really impresses and surprises mum.. like suddenly buying a jewelry set for her, saying that she should have received them years ago when he asked for her hand.. other simple things like singing to her or mushy words like "I love You" to mum spices up their marriage life and keep it going (: even though they do quarrel very often, sometimes i do think that they will become my own future family model (:

dad mentioned its gd to go after a girl.. but to be overly obsessive, it will become unhealthy.. guess it was the like tat just after the confession.. i just pour put my feelings n heart to her.. looking back, it was so stupid.. im leaving her with no breathing space of her own..

However, dad also advised abt reconsidering going after a girl who doesn't even reciprocate to ur feelings for her.. since love is a two way thing, it could not be one-sided.. if not, it would eventually become a burden to both.. i wonder if he is referring to me for this in case or just making a general comment since mum told him everyday that i shared with her when i asked mum for advices for this whole saga last week.

Like mum always says, as a christian, u need a partner who is God-centered, even if it means putting God before you.. Mum is glad for her too for her recent baptism and reassures her relationship with God.. In fact, it was very sweet of mum to lead a prayer for her walk with God and faith, and well as God's guidance in any progression between us, be it we will end up together or not..

I'm so blessed to have so many friends around me to give me encouragement regarding on this whole saga.. esp when im getting confused and frustrated over this, where brothers and sisters like edmund, limhan, hanzhong, weili, paul, meijind are there for me.. Friends like khairi, wenting, raj, darius to listen to my whines and assure me that i'm a guy that has my worth.. buddies like cj, xin and mel to give me well-wishes and encouragements.. pastor j and shelen to offer their vast experiences and knowledge when it come to bgr and concern when they realised i have not been myself for past month.. sis and her bf, which actually surprises me, to share what steps i could have done to improve our relationship.. Pei, i really think u are very blessed to have such a wonderful bf.. treasure him well.. and now, dad n mum support regarding on my chase to hold the key to her heart.. it felt good (: Thank God for the angels you sent to be by my side when im at the lowest.. i know im not alone in this marathon to reach her..

thx sis, when u shared the process of u going after mr J, it was very encouraging.. and eventually, God granted what u wished for: a relationship that is mutual (: just that, thing is as simple and straightforward for ur brother..

haha, anyway, everyone agrees that you are a good catch and blessing from God, esp mum, dad n sis.. thx..

Even i dunno when will i see the light that comes at the end of the tunnel for this possible endless pursuit, i will still hold on to the hope that someday u will accept me.. the only problem is how long, when it gets so tiring when u think abt someone day and night, to wake up the next day to realise things are still going to be the same..

This is my story..

Will I ever hold the key to her heart or just remain shut out? It is really easier to be loved than to love..

All I know is that I will not get the answer any sooner and I will continue to hold on to that fragile hope as long I can..

Suteki da ne (Isn't it Beautiful)

Link to music

My heart was swimming
in words gathered by the wind
My voice bounded
into a cloud-carried tomorrow

My heart trembled
in the moon-swayed mirror
Soft tears
spilled with a stream of stars

Isn't it beautiful?
If we could walk, hand in hand,
I'd want to go
to your town, your home, in your arms

I dream of being
against your chest
my body in your keeping
disappearing into the evening

Words halted by wind are
a gentle illusion
A tomorrow torn by clouds is
the voice of a distant place

My heart that had been
in a moon-blurred mirror that flowed
Those stars that trembled and spilled
cannot hide my tears

Isn't it beautiful?
If we could walk, hand in hand,
I'd want to go
to your town, your home, in your arms

My dream of
your face
that I softly touch
melts in the morning

Music really helps to drown all the emotions that chain onto you.. Thinking of you right at this moment

Eating steel right now... Argh, Help me last though this period...

It never taste worse.. I understood how you felt now

2 quizzes down.. one more next week.. Final exam coming nearer with each passing day.. yet, ther is still so much to be done..

dad is going for a scan for his right hand soon.. it is getting weaker and losing strength each passing day.. he is having difficulty holding the chopsticks or even carrying light weights.. if he is to go with the operation, there might be a chance that he might lose control over his hand if it fails.. God will bless him, us and the family.. Sry that i couldnt do much and didnt fulfill much in my role as a son.. i gave u some much troubles and disappointments.. and yet, u didnt stop trusting me.. it just makes me feel worse.. I dun mind moving out of the current house and settle in a smaller flat, i dun mind not driving without a car, i dun mind not staying in hall, i can forgo all my bad spending habits, all to ease your burdens and not overwork yourself to provide the family financially.. We are doing very well now as compared to the past when we had nothing.. U gave up so much for the family.. and its time for you to rest and let me do the worrying on ur behalf though i might not be as good as you.. u are awesome dad.. just that i dun have the courage to say i love u or thank u.. pride just gets in the way..

life is still as mundane as ever, with some exceptions to spice things up a little. had a gathering/ dinner yesterday.. was supposed to meet her yesterday at 6pm.. but due to past late night mugging and preparations for her gifts since last week, i was very tired.. took a short nap and i thought i could wake up in time to be there early before she reaches jp.. damn, woke up at 5:40pm!!! rushed down like hell, lucky she needs to attend to something 1st..

had a gd chat n catchup with her.. apparently we have not been speaking much since last week cause both of us were very busy with our own stuffs.. it feels good to know that she is feeling much better since the Sunday 2 weeks ago. she is still troubled by some issues, but i believe with strength from God, her faith and determination, she will get through all of them.. maybe they are trials from God to strengthen her?

the whole gathering was gd (: never laugh my heart out for a long time.. it was so nostalgic, reminding us of the good old times where we were not tied down by hectic uni life.

ever since that sunday, we have not mentioned anything again about the possibility our progression.. maybe its good that she might not be so troubled abt this anymore.. maybe she might have move on.. but sometime i do pray and hope that there might be some signs or hints from her words or actions that might tell me what i should do, to carry on wad im doing or to let go n move on.. it can get tiring at times but its not her fault at all.. she didnt want it to happen at all.. haha, n i think its just me holding onto this tiny hope that things might improve or change..

dunno why, but its seemed that i feel the same again as though it was the time just before i confessed to her.. where there is this bittersweet feeling in me.. eager to meet her everyday, but just feel shy to look at her in the eyes when we do really meet. Sometimes, i feel that u dun really dare look at me in the eyes too.. is it because u feel the same too or just want to distance urself from me to prevent from falling further?? at times, i do feel that im unworthy to be with u.. is this a sense of defeat in me??

absence makes the heart grows fonder.. without seeing her or contacting her much, i do think at times how is she doing, she is cooping well with her work, is her walk with God going well etc.. and when we do meet, she becomes more attractive and lovable each time.. just like an angel..

im still waiting for the day to come.. for the answer, be it desirable or not.. but all i want is for her to stay happy, blessed and be loved.. God is so amazing.. He blesses plentifully when u dun deserves anything and holds back when u are so full of urself, thinking its the best of what is provided.. Guess i got to learn to rely more on God.. Lesson of faith, just like Abraham did while waiting for a child..

Stay strong, God and I will be there when times get tough and when you are alone.. Question is, will you be there for me when I need you the most?

Angel in distress... what can i do? just listen?

sometime, i hope i could have done more.. You are obviously not okay at all

When you were holding the candle in ur hands, this song came into my mind instantly. I wished i could have gone up to the stage and dedicate this song to you myself.

This song now sings in my heart, and one day, if u ever need me to sing it outn, i will do it for u..

Shine Jesus Shine

Lord the Light or Your Love is shining,
In the midst of the darkness shining,
Jesus light of the world shine upon us,
Set us free by the truth You now bring us,
Shine on me. Shine on me.

Shine Jesus shine
Fill this land with the Father's glory
Blaze, Spirit blaze,
Set our hearts on fire
Flow, river flow
Flood the nations with grace and mercy
Send forth Your word
Lord and let there be light.

Lord I come to Your awesome presence,
From the shadows into Your radiance,
By the blood I may enter Your brightness,
Search me, try me, consume all my darkness,
Shine on me. Shine on me.

As we gaze on Your kindly brightness.
So our faces display Your likeness.
Ever changing from glory to glory,
Mirrored here may our lives tell Your story.
Shine on me. Shine on me.

Shine the world with your smile

WHERE YOU AT by Tae Yang

Link to video

I don’t even know your name, girl
But I’m going to get you somehow
Just gotta let me know where u at
Cuz your man's coming

When our eyes first met
You smiled a familiar smile
As if you know me
Making me stop in my tracks
It was only a fleeting moment
But I remember how I felt at that moment
I am afraid that I won’t see you again

I look back to catch a glimpse of you
You are getting farther and farther away
Day and night, high and low
I am here as always searching for you.

I just wanna know if you feel the same
Where u at, where u at, where u at
Tell me now
And let my love for you begin
Where u at, girl

I just wanna know if you feel the same
Where u at, where u at, where u at
When you call my name someday
I will be there right in front of you

The look on your face seemed to say
You understood how lonely I was
That look makes you so unforgettable
You understand me

Oh then I wake up and
Then I’m out my zone
Blink twice then you’re gone

Is your life as hard for you as mine is for me
When you feel worn out by this cold, cold world
Please hang in there until you find me

I run and run and run searching for you
You become only farther and farther away
Day and night, high and low
Beyond the blue sky
I shout for you as always

I just wanna know if you feel the same
Where u at, where u at, were u at
Tell me now
And let my love for you begin
Where u at, girl

I just wanna know if you feel the same
Where u at, where u at, where u at
When you call my name someday
I will be there right in front of you

Now let’s go

Let me break this down
You may be listening to this song somewhere
Let me promise you now
You are meant for me so
I’ll be there for you

I just wanna know if you feel the same way
Where u at, where u at, were u at
Tell me now
And let my love for you begin
Where u at, girl

I just wanna know if you feel the same
Where u at, where u at, where u at
When you call my name someday
I will be there right in front of you

I dunno where am I heading.. I'm lost.. But if you need me, I will be there.. Where you at

Lord, I need all the guidance from You to teach and care for a person who doesn't know who what is self-love.. I too need alot wisdom to teach the same person who to love others too.. Sometimes it gets so tough and frustrating when this person dun get the message despite so much proper guidance.. I really need to muster everything, patience, love, wisdom, to make this right. So Lord, pls guide me..

*Tribute to Warriors Of Hall 6, Ruggers*

Despite IH has been over for nearly one month, its a pleasing and heartwarming sight to still see that we, ruggers of hall6, coming for a casual game of touch. The turnout was encouraging to me as a manager of the rugby team.

While siting at the side of the field watching you guys played, it kinda hit me that we have come a long way together as a team. We were playing on the rugby pitch today, but our humble beginning actually started all the way from the other field, on the side nearest to the basketball courts.

Hall Matrix just ended, and I placed my name in the list to become a sport subcommer. I was still in road relay that time and zhihong approached me to be the manager for road relay. But deep down in my mind, i know that im was never a fast runners. Friends like jingyang, ahboon, zhihong, weizhe, were so much faster than me. Of course, the initial trainings with the road relay team made me too realised that i would never be the forerunner in the team.

One sport that excites me in the past is rugby. However, the chance to pick up rugby deludes me. The furthest I went was playing touch in Jc PE.. I thoroughly enjoyed myself during those sessions. That where I a resolution take join ruby when i enter hall in ntu despite knowing the risks of the game.

During the interview for the sport subcomm, I gave garerern and nat the preferred sport that I wanted to manage immediately when they asked me. Rugby.

When I came to the decision to take up rugby, I still haven got a chance to meet up with paul yet. All I knew was that he was the previous rugby captain and I had an rough idea that gerald and paul are going to be captain and vice captain for rugby 09/10 respectively. Paul just got back from his IA and during our 1st encounter, he told me a little about rugby and passed me a list of rugby player names: both seniors and freshies that signed up.

I was very excited, full of passion and drive when i looked at the number of names in the list. It was nearly the size sufficient enough to form 2 teams. Promising and capable names that I heard too placed their names down. I was ready to set me vision for team rugby 09/10: finals in IH.

However, things turned to be very different. People turned me down one by one after I approached them. Its understandable as everyone has their own reasons. Eventually, the number that Im able to confirm that were interested to stay in the team was probably 6? Our hall lucky number..

I can also recalled the times where i was running all over hall 6, terrorizing every single male residents that I know to know rugby. This "Join Rugby" campaign in hall was headed by me myself (: haha, it was so fun to see the faces of ahboon, zhihong, shawn, wenkai, ricky, yiling when i pestered them to join. Of course, I believed i frighten off many more than i could imagine! I also remembered the cranky join rugby post that i made in the ex hall forum!!!

soon, it was our very 1st training. I couldnt remember clearly, but if im not wrong, turnout was disappointing.. a small number of 4,5 or 6? but based on what Paul shared, rugby training strength had been like tat all along for past years, so its kinda expected.. This actually made me think seriously abt the plans and goals i envisioned for team rugby.

I approached more ppl, mostly freshies now. Sometimes, it really helps to be a guy who participated in FOC. It really helps to get the ball rolling. Turnouts for subsequent training become better: Me Paul Weeyong Garerern Pinglon Alvin Edwin Kenneth. I can never forget how we trained at the side of the field by the basketball courts. Lights were always off or the Ivps were using the main rugby pitch for training. We were confined in that small zone for training!!!

We began on the basics, passing, loop, switch, NO LOBBING FORWARD PASS.. We were all new to rugby, so i believe paul had a hard time guiding us. strength was also very unstable. it can vary from 4 to 8 at different training sessions. everyone is crucial to the attendance of the training. training time was short, because there is simply too few ppl to train. most of the time, we ended with paul teaching us the technical aspects of rugby.. Likewise, my spirit swayed btw high n low when the turnout varies too..

More joined. Pohshen jingyang arjun sky clarence ruirong jerome.. the number grew healthier.. sadly arjun and sky had to leave quickly due to injury and commitment respectively . touch becomes part of our usual trainings too due to better attendance. With gerald joining us regularly too to coach us, trainings seemed to be heading in a better direction. I can never forget those times where gerald keeps screwing jerome for all the mistakes he can commit: passing and handling errors, running the wrong route, join the wrong side of the group, and smiling all the time.. It was so enjoyable and fun. And I never fail to look forward to next training with excitement.

Next joined Jinhan raj gabriel darras jabir.. Personally, trainings are the most exciting when all 3, Gerald, Paul and Jabir were present together. The team will then just split up into 3 groups to be coached by the 3. Learning curve was steep, but so is everyone curiosity to know more and grasp the game.. Plays start to come in, forwards and backs, lineups, team plays.. the team is taking shape..

Rain or shine, lighting or not, team rugby never fails to train.. i thank you all for coming down, despite the fact we will turn out like some brown monsters at the end of the training. we whined and bitched occasionally, but we still enjoyed ourselves.. Holiday began.. attendance still remained healthy and strong.. ruggers still travel and return to hall, even though some might not be in hall due to personal issues.. I had never felt so strong that we gonna win something for IH..

Came bernard and occasionally funhang and zhenyan.. even our mr president, xiaofeng, turned up for training once.. i too appreciate seniors, weiming and zach, for coming down for trainings to give us pointers and advices to improve..

there were times where tempers flared, all because everyone wanted to do well for IH.. and it became more frequent as IH approaches.. still the team stayed as one, looking forward to the day where the team will enter the rugby pitch under the banner of hall 6..

one memorable training was on the eve of the eve of CNY.. Paul told me that training turnout might be bad due to celebration. But i replied that the team will still come down, cause we are now all playing with our hearts and passion. And i was not disappointed.. We had a wonderful training session. N if i never remember wrongly, Paul was in a very good mood and talked to the team:

"I'm very glad that today training was so good. the turnout was good. and i tell u guys, rugby is the best thing that ever happened to me in hall."

something along the line.. I dunno how the rest felt abt this.. but what paul said hit me.. Rugby is indeed the sport that i truly enjoyed.. trainings never fail to excite me.. Yes paul, rugby is really one of the best thing that ever happened to me in hall..

IH came along with Marcus and weizhe joining the team.. 20th and 21st.. There was a huge uproar as quite a number of rugby players happened to be in hexis too.. there was this huge concern that we might not have sufficient players to play on the day itself.. nevertheless, the full team came down.. it was impressive.. 22 in total.. where was that miserable 4 to 6 that we saw at the initial stage of rugby? 22, this is hall 6 team rugby we are talking about..

of cause, we lost the 1st game to hall 4, den eventually come back against 16 and 1.. it was like a rollercoaster, where it felt we might just lose it anytime.. and me being out due to injury in the game against hall 16 made it worse for me. Im officially out of IH rugby.. but still, the team was there for one another. encouraging one another along the way. Even though i didnt manage to participate much for the rest, i could feel the energy of the team soaring high and it was contagious..on 20th, we are in quarter, on 21st, we are out of IH rugby..

though i was kinda shocked that we made it to quarter instead of semi as compared to the past,i got to watch the team grow from a grp of random players who know nuts abt rugby to warriors who are out to kill in the pitch.. I thank all players to contribute and sacrifice for the team.. jinhan: who gave up his opportunity to represent ntu dragonboat due to shoulder injury, Pohshen, our big friendly giant: rib hairline fracture and poor specs for being stepped by his own owner , darras: for his arm if i never remember wrongly, raj: for his eye and knee that never fail to give way, pinlon: for diving onto the ball on his belly,jerome: for both his shoulder and ankle, clarance: to join us despite after going through his foot surgery recently (and ur finger, for the awesome punch to the deserving banana), kenneth and ruirong: for frequent groin injuries, jingyang: for ur pinky that looks weird now, edwin: keena stepped on his head and many self-inflicted injuries today by slipping, fuhang: for taking the risk to play for the team even though IH soccer final was few days away, garerern: to miss IH badminton due to thigh injury during training, jabir: for constantly losing his eyebrown and cuts, weeyong: for tearing his shorts for countless time, alvin: for having his toes stepped by me numerous times, paul: for all the popping and locking u did, never fail to impress the team, same for ur ankle, gabriel: white shorts that u need to clean after training and many tries u contributed to the team, and your accessory too, bernard marcus and weizhe for coming down..

Team rugby 09/10 will never be the same without you guys.. every one of u shaped the team as it is now.. i know that there might be a high chance that not everyone can come back next yr, but i truly hope that u feel much for the team.. so if anyone of us cant make it back, i do hope that at least you will squat back to join the team.. the team needs every single one of u.. no one is dispensable..

as the sun sets while i sat by the side watching u guys playing touch, i got this sad feeling that the yr is coming to an end, along with my term as ur manager. but still, i know we will still meet up to have occasional trainings and games.. its my regret that we were not able to win a medal for our graduating seniors, but i believe the experience, the brotherhood we built and shared were far more valuable than a medal.. we may not win the best sport team, but in my heart, we are already winners..

so when ever if u happened to be in the vicinity of the basketball court, do take a look at the small patch of field by the side, and give a tribute to where the humble beginning of team rugby 09/10 begins...

zhaoqi
hall 6 ruggers
manager 09/10
rugby enthusiast