I've found a friend who died for me

2 quizzes down.. one more next week.. Final exam coming nearer with each passing day.. yet, ther is still so much to be done..

dad is going for a scan for his right hand soon.. it is getting weaker and losing strength each passing day.. he is having difficulty holding the chopsticks or even carrying light weights.. if he is to go with the operation, there might be a chance that he might lose control over his hand if it fails.. God will bless him, us and the family.. Sry that i couldnt do much and didnt fulfill much in my role as a son.. i gave u some much troubles and disappointments.. and yet, u didnt stop trusting me.. it just makes me feel worse.. I dun mind moving out of the current house and settle in a smaller flat, i dun mind not driving without a car, i dun mind not staying in hall, i can forgo all my bad spending habits, all to ease your burdens and not overwork yourself to provide the family financially.. We are doing very well now as compared to the past when we had nothing.. U gave up so much for the family.. and its time for you to rest and let me do the worrying on ur behalf though i might not be as good as you.. u are awesome dad.. just that i dun have the courage to say i love u or thank u.. pride just gets in the way..

life is still as mundane as ever, with some exceptions to spice things up a little. had a gathering/ dinner yesterday.. was supposed to meet her yesterday at 6pm.. but due to past late night mugging and preparations for her gifts since last week, i was very tired.. took a short nap and i thought i could wake up in time to be there early before she reaches jp.. damn, woke up at 5:40pm!!! rushed down like hell, lucky she needs to attend to something 1st..

had a gd chat n catchup with her.. apparently we have not been speaking much since last week cause both of us were very busy with our own stuffs.. it feels good to know that she is feeling much better since the Sunday 2 weeks ago. she is still troubled by some issues, but i believe with strength from God, her faith and determination, she will get through all of them.. maybe they are trials from God to strengthen her?

the whole gathering was gd (: never laugh my heart out for a long time.. it was so nostalgic, reminding us of the good old times where we were not tied down by hectic uni life.

ever since that sunday, we have not mentioned anything again about the possibility our progression.. maybe its good that she might not be so troubled abt this anymore.. maybe she might have move on.. but sometime i do pray and hope that there might be some signs or hints from her words or actions that might tell me what i should do, to carry on wad im doing or to let go n move on.. it can get tiring at times but its not her fault at all.. she didnt want it to happen at all.. haha, n i think its just me holding onto this tiny hope that things might improve or change..

dunno why, but its seemed that i feel the same again as though it was the time just before i confessed to her.. where there is this bittersweet feeling in me.. eager to meet her everyday, but just feel shy to look at her in the eyes when we do really meet. Sometimes, i feel that u dun really dare look at me in the eyes too.. is it because u feel the same too or just want to distance urself from me to prevent from falling further?? at times, i do feel that im unworthy to be with u.. is this a sense of defeat in me??

absence makes the heart grows fonder.. without seeing her or contacting her much, i do think at times how is she doing, she is cooping well with her work, is her walk with God going well etc.. and when we do meet, she becomes more attractive and lovable each time.. just like an angel..

im still waiting for the day to come.. for the answer, be it desirable or not.. but all i want is for her to stay happy, blessed and be loved.. God is so amazing.. He blesses plentifully when u dun deserves anything and holds back when u are so full of urself, thinking its the best of what is provided.. Guess i got to learn to rely more on God.. Lesson of faith, just like Abraham did while waiting for a child..

Stay strong, God and I will be there when times get tough and when you are alone.. Question is, will you be there for me when I need you the most?