I've found a friend who died for me

Praise the Lord!! Apparently something amazing happened yesterday.. I thank you Lord for removing a huge burden off my shoulder at this point of "darkness"..

It all began from yesterday morning.. In the midst of mugging, i suddenly received a sms from her.. It was so random as she seldom take the initiative to contact me 1st.. But what actually surprised me was the content.. She wanted to meet up with me to talk about her feelings regarding on this issue.. At first I was apprehensive.. Why God suddenly send her back to talk abt this issue when I already choose to entrust to Him? Is there no end to this whole thing? During that moment, half of me wanted to find out what she has to say, the other half just wanted to run away, fearing that I will fall back into the hole that I recently covered up myself..

It took me some time and prayer to think and muster the courage to agree to meet up with her.. Despite handing the issue over to God, my feelings for her still persist and stay, just that it's "under control". Knowing the agenda of the meeting does not really help or make it better since it would end up with "lets stay as friends" ending. I asked paul for advice and he said that i should just go and listen.. Even though she could not reciprocate my feelings for her, shouldnt I at least try to understand how she felt? After all, its not easy for her to send such a message in the first place. Must have taken alot of courage and thoughts to do so.. Knowing that the fate is sealed and outcome eventually, I went ahead with the meeting with this small little hope that something else might have.. Always a room for miracle..

When I finally got to meet her, the whole atmosphere was very weird.. It got this "I'm here to hang myself again" feeling.. And probably cause we didnt meet up since her baptism, this whole "absence makes the heart grows fonder" shit came in again.. But oh well, that isn't the point.. We settled in this coffeeshop.. It was pretty weird at 1st, cause I thought that it might be too noisy to talk.. Conversation was very slow initially.. She was having difficultly starting and putting her thoughts into words.. Got the constipation feeling there. And when she asked me if i had any questions, I dunno what to ask her.. Yes, I have alot in mind to ask her about this whole thing. But hearing her side of reasoning, I felt kinda shameful that I came with a mindset hoping for something else.. All my intended qns for her were redundant and immature. It was at that moment tat I realised I still haven totally let go to Lord.. I was caught speechless for a moment.. A quick prayer to God for wisdom at that instant, to reorganise my thoughts and get things right.. Thank the Lord cause He did, if not the whole night would be dreadful..

The more she shares, the more fluent she becomes.. God was guiding her to express her thoughts clearly.. Our conversation became more natural and smooth.. Starting to feel more like a 2 way proper conversation.. Her reason for staying single is because she wants to get her walk with God right.. It might be a very simple answer or reason to others, maybe illogical to non-Christians since they might think its okay as long the person likes u.. I have to admit, even i myself find it hard to explain her stand even though i understood what she is trying to get to.. Its so hard to put it into words.. haha, should have seen her reaction when i finally understood wad she is trying to tell me! Its not easy.. But behind this simple answer, it carries alot of careful thoughts and meanings.. Based on what I understood, a relationship isn't complete if God is not present.. Everything originates from Him.. Kinship and friendship etc.. If you cant get ur relationship right with God now, what makes you thing that everything else will be okay..

I'm not sure if this is right or accurate, but a poor relationship with God is like the epicenter of an earthquake.. It causes the ground to shake, having a ripple effect on those around it.. And this effects are usually unhealthy.. The harder it shakes, the more drastic is the after effect. During the phase of clearing up after that would seem to be like the trials of God, where we learn to pick up ourself and to prepare and equip ourself from future trembles.. That's where strengthen our foundation with God to be strong and firm, and when we do, all others, our relationships with ppl, career, studies, health etc, stay firm along with the foundation.. Without building this strong rapport with God, no matter how much u try to build, how high u try to reach, in the crisis where another earthquake or ur faith with God is shaken, everything would just crumble under the pressure

Likewise for her, she chooses to get her walk with God right.. I have to admit that a part of me was disappointed that we could not get together.. But if she is really the one that i have been praying for, to be a God-centered woman, then yes Lord, her action is what that pleases you and would bring a step further into preparing her to be the woman i have asking and praying for.. I should not rush and take things into my own hand since I had already entrusted to the Lord! In addition, both of us got much more pressing issues on hands to handle than to be in a relationship.. Her side: her walk with God, YAM, possible ministry in Church, her sis, her work report.. There are times where we wondered y we are grow spiritually and reached to a saturation point.. In a relationship, one cant always be the receiving or the giving side. Likewise, we have to give too in order to grow spiritually.. The Words of God will be unless if they are not carried out.. Serving the Lord is one of such way we can learn to give and appreciate why Christ has devoted His whole life to serving and giving.. Her ministry in young adults has just began.. Same goes for her new life and walk with God.. The problem with her sis is more pressing.. Its not easy to teach someone how to love when she cant love herself in the 1st place.. It requires alot love, patience and reliance on God to do so.. Without the Lord, I believe most might give up easily.. Christ didnt.. He didt not give up on us and simply hands us over to Satan..

As for my side: My return to service under God, my studies, my dad's health.. I too need to get my walk with God right.. I realised I can be pretty inconsistent in my walk with God.. I guess her decision was a reminder for me too to focus on God and not on all worldly issues.. Y focus on pursuing the world when He could have offered much more in return? Oh oh, my studies.. Shucks.. I'm getting abit pessimistic abt this coming exam.. I'm totally not ready and cramming as much as possible now, be it effective or not.. I study hard but not exam smart.. Always panic n screw up in papers.. but with yesterday meeting, i guess i got one less thing on mind to think abt.. And i guess the most pressing for me now is my dad's health condition.. Though i may not be at home most of the times, i do aware that his condition is getting worse.. The depression, i assumed, in his hand is getting more n more obvious.. Im not sure is it because his muscles are weakening, but it can get difficult watching him struggle with simple daily chores like carrying loads and eating.. Plus with all the other illnesses that he has, i sometime do seriously wonder when will he be able to hold on to.. I hoped that he will retire soon n have his well deserved rest, travel the world and not work so hard for the family.. For now, the least i could do is to spend more time and pray for his health.. His MRI scan coming up soon.. maybe i should accompany him for checkup.. Same goes for my knee.. Mindef has actually contacted me to take my IPPT before my birthday.. problem is i dun even know if i could take it or not.. X-ray doesnt shows anything.. yet it is still not healing.. It can get pretty frustrating that a simple thing like running after a bus can be difficult n painful.. My parents actually asked me to consider down pes.. However to let go all that i have worked hard for during my army days, those blood and sweats bled, the friends that fought along ur side, the red beret and sliver wing that i donned on, the pride instilled into us, must be cast aside, all because of a single busted knee.. Being in a commando is one of my greatest achievement in my life and i think it will be hard to let it go like tat.. Same goes for IH, im going to be just an unless sportsman who hops around after running a short while.. Oh well, I'm gonna entrust all of them to the Lord, maybe He already has a plan for me in place..

With so much happening on both of us now, probably a relationship now will just distract us from the more important issues that need to be handled.. Yes yes, others might say that u need not compromise ur relationship with God in order to be together. And being together, u have a partner to support one another in times of spiritual difficulty.. I agree to a certain extent cause i see both william and meijing as a fine example for this.. However, though singlehood is not exactly a gift from God, it is one of the best moment to channel your energy into serving the Lord and His causes.. For me, if i were to find a partner, i meant a life long partner..Getting into a relationship should be a long n God centered one, one that involves life time commitments and responsibilities. Marriage, a sacred bond btw man and woman, and not simply a fling or fooling around. With such an aim, the amount of time we truly know each other is way too short n hasty.. I believe she thinks like wise too. Along with her decision to be single n remain as friends so as to serve God, I think that this a very Godly decision made which I should truly respect.. After all, I too have my responsibilities to fulfill and complete now..

(A life time commitment.. mj and william,sis and lloyd, both of u are really my role model for a perfect dating couple.. same for paster j n shelen as husband and wife)

God has given me so much in my lifetime till now.. So many that there's just too many to count.. With all the friends and family support we received, why did I say that im always alone?? So why should I get overly troubled like i did for the past month for this issue when God has repeatedly shown countless grace much more i could receive in the past?

The night ended pretty pleasant, with much laughter and sharing in btw.. She said grace while having a popiah in her mouth, this old man who ate exactly the same food as we did, craving for bubble tea, siting in subway while drinking bubble tea when we didnt even order anything, window shopping in NTUC.. Gosh, plain crazy, fun n retarded.. I wun know when will we ever talk abt this issue again, or maybe never in future.. It might take some time before the feeling sink in.. But whatever the case, since we are so clear what we need to do, we should focus on them 1st and entrust this to the Lord.. If we are really meant to be, we will.. If not, God will then offer us a better partner that we can never imagine.. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.(Matthew 6:33) No matter what, we are brother and sister in Christ before anything (: And of cause, the wonderful classmate that we always been.. Do continue to share abt ur problems if u have, for i will always be there for you..

Its so funny that my pastor considered sharing my story with mediacorp on a program regarding youth relationship.. Bet it makes a good drama, with lots of plots and twists in btw.. Though it might not have the type of ending that everyone typically likes, I believe all we need is the Lord to be pleased will do.. I cant exactly explain the peace in my mind now.. despite her saying no, there no burden or heavy emotions to pull me down.. Maybe God is at work? Oh well, i didnt manage to maintain my clean sheet though ): haha, my first rejection after like 21 yrs? Suck it up zhaoqi!

Same thing though, my feelings for you are still the same.. It wun suddenly changed because of your decision.. I told u and i hope u understood.. While entrusting to God, initiative still needs to be taken to pursue what u want.. Its only a matter of if what u want tallies with what God wants to give u.. I might still do things to win ur heart over.. But the choice to reciprocate is yours to decide.. We wun know God's plan, but we know He only offers us the best.. Of course, when eventually everything ends n settle down, i do hope u will reconsider me again.. Time will tell.. Will i still stay on waiting or move on, no one knows.. All i can say this that, this whole sage is a one big trial for me and through it, God strengthen me.. And with this, I can finally close this whole dramatic chapter of my life and the "darkness" that i thought i been through..

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want..

Loneliness is being unaware of the One who is with us everywhere..

God love and bless both u and me..

Smile, cause your smiles bring joy and laughter to those around you.

In Jesus's name I pray, Amen..