I've found a friend who died for me

Dad have to work today, so I met up with him early just now to have a breakfast.. As usual, we dun really talk much even though we have not really sat down together for like 2 weeks..

However, we suddenly had this random conversation about my sis.. He was saying that he felt guilty for kinda neglecting my sis when she was young.. Reason being is because that he focused too much on me in the past.. I guess it all started during primary school period?? We were from the same primary school.. Though we are one year apart in term of age, she excelled in almost everything, studies, sports and curriculum.. And when she once ranked 3rd in her year, my dad was very impressed and confident in her that she would do well academically. On the other hand, i was the one always in trouble.. Poor grades, disciplinary problems.. It was probably when i was pri 5 when he engaged a tutor for me to guide me in my studies though it was pretty taxing on the family's financial status during that time..

As expected, i didnt do well n i went to a neighboring sch.. My dad was kinda disappointed.. Thinking that was able to get into Maris Stella Sec at least.. And in my sec school, he continued to spend more time n attention to allow me to do better academically.. But in the process, my sis was neglected.. She started to decline in her grades, and eventually got into a neighboring school like it did.. Guess dad was disappointed but he didnt voiced out to us..

As im always a yr ahead of my sis, more time n attention is always spent on me by the tutor.. Sec 2 streaming and o' lvl.. whereas my sis is always following after me.. Guess this kinda extinguish her interest in studies cause my dad will often compare our grades and achievements, which i kinda dislike cause we are pretty different by nature.. When i got into JC, dad was very happy.. Cause im the 1st in the family to enter jc (which eventually will move on to uni) This kinda further impose a greater pressure on my withdrawn sis. She eventually spoke less at home, esp to my dad.. Her temper flew very quickly whenever she talked to him..

I can never forget the moment where she approached me during the period near her O lvl.. She came to me crying, saying how much pressure she was under to perform for this major exam.. Dad was constantly pressuring her to follow my footstep: get into a jc n eventually uni.. She knew that she hate this kinda of lifestyle and was very fearful of my dad.. All i could do was to say a few simple words of encouragement and offered her as my help for her upcoming exams within a limited time.. Never have i seen such a fragile side of her before.. The butt kicking, super wrestling sis was actually crying n breaking down in front of me.. Guess everyone has a weak side they choose to hide.. I met up with my brothers on the following fellowship session.. I broke down too when i shared abt this.. I was so focused on my personal life that i neglected the only sibling i had.. I too felt guilty and ashamed for not being there for her when she was at her lowest..

In the end, she got into poly, n me into uni after that.. She met lloyd.. I was glad she affected her positively in a way i failed to do so.. She became very focused, and surprised us with her intention to further her studies after poly.. Maybe love is a very powerful tool in driving us forward.. Still, relationship between dad n her didnt really get better.. With her coming home later n dressing up more, which my dad was quite unhappy abt it initially, arguments became more frequent..

But somehow, she has kinda settled down lately..Ever since she entered uni, she is very focus, in term of both academically and relationship it lloyd.. as in, she managed to balance very well.. In fact that she rank 2nd in her prevent sem proved that she was capable all along.. Just that we didnt give her sufficient space for growth.. N i believe that is what my dad felt guilty abt..

Life maybe full of regrets and sorrows.. But we can resolve them in a very peaceful manner if we choose to handle it positively.. I seriously hoped that my dad would not be affected by this whole past as my sis would not be what she is now.. The friends she had, lloyd, sch, everything.. It was all in a package.. What happen has happened.. I hope God can release dad from this shackle..

I too have thought abt what happened recently... Last month was one of my irrational phase of my life.. Never have i been so uncool, insensitive, emotional and hasty in my decisions and actions.. It was not my usual self of handling things and problems.. Every judgment i made was rash and one sided.. Guess i was too delusional for my own good that time.. got carried away by my emotions where i have never been so open before.. Of cause this whole sage actually taught and reminded me alot of learning point.. Being the 1st time ever to take initiative to ask a gal out, it totally feels very diff as compared to be asked out.. It is really easier to be loved than love.. Cause, sometime no matter how much strong feelings u have for the other party, as long she in not interested due to various reasons, the whole thing will be just a one side chase.. In love, things should not be forced and be allowed to take place naturally.. Like what khai said, it should be an accidental, effortless and not painful.. Its only scary when u look back after u fallen to see how far u had fall.. I went on to the point of trying too hard, to the extent that she felt uncomfortable and threatened.. She might not say it, but i can feel it.. Looking back, i looked so dumb and stupid.. like a wild goose chase.. Its no wonder any gal will feel insecure if u are with such a guy, let alone her when she needs ever more of such assurance.. How could she even feel safe if we get together.. Guessed this rejection kinda become a wakeup call to me as well as a reminder to be close to God again.. during this period, i really distanced myself from God..

So im goona just let it be, be my usual self, n not try so hard.. what comes will eventually come.. no point rushing.. If she doesnt want to accept me, there is no way to reach her despite doing so much.. This past 2 weeks i had calmed down alot.. my thoughts and rationale start coming back to me.. This is really a one big learning point in life..

Learn, glance and move on..